Torn.

At a certain age,we learn to pick-up our parents habit of doing things. Maybe it's the way they walk. Or talk. Or in my case,the way they think.

At the age of 6,my mother tried to bring out the artistic vibe in me by sending me to ballet classes,piano classes and even arts & craft classes. I really didn't know what was her purpose of sending me to each on of those class but she definitely brought out the creativity in me. As I grow,my creativity begins to explore new things such as-reading,writing..or blogging. I find beauty in language and how one can tell so much or express so much through words (if and only if they are well written). I am no Kurt Vonnegut or E. Hemingway but I find beauty in expressing through words. I picked up the reading habit from my dad. He has his own collection at a corner of the living room. He reads biographies and self-motivational books,mostly. I started reading teen fiction (they always say,baby steps) and then later on,I moved on to non-fiction stories before I land myself at my dad's level of interest in books. I still enjoy reading fiction books nonetheless.Just so I  could escape the real world for a few minutes.

I also enjoy math questions a lot. I've always looked up to my dad when it comes to reading and math. I guess the 4 of us sort of got that (bad?) habit from him,I guess. I like Physics too. The only thing that I can't contemplate is Chemistry (God forbid I shall see it ever again after my Fall semester). I like how I know the exact reason as to how natural phenomena happens around me. How weight is influenced by gravity or how there an opposing force causes resistance towards something that moves.

It's little habits such as this,that influenced me to read and write more. To be passionate in whatever it is that I'm doing.

My parents did not only squeezed my right brain but also my left brain (the left brain is for creativity,I think).  I am torn apart between Journalism and Aerospace & Mechanical Engineering.

Mom told me I should just take double major. But I might just end up bald before I even graduate (God forbid it should really happen in real life). Even dad said it won't be that hard. What people lack of is just determination. I'm not sure whether my determination is/will be constant.

We shall see how it goes.

Thank You.

The phrase "Setiap yang bernyawa pasti akan kembali ke Rahmatullah" scares me. I've lost 2 people that were so close to me. I can't imagine children who are fatherless or motherless. I am blessed that I still have both parents to turn to today. I still get to listen to their voice even though we're a thousand miles away. Never in my life have I thought that everything is temporary. Only up till today,that I realized,that everything in life is never long-lasting. Somehow everything has an end to it. It is just a matter of where and when. We never take time to look back at the things that were taken from and given to us. We never take time to say "Thank you" for all the opportunities that were handed to us. All we do is blame Him,blame each other for all the things that happened without knowing that everything that happened before,only opens more doors to new and undiscovered things. 

Kak Farida (my housemate) told me a true story that brought me to tears this morning. She knew that I had just lost someone who meant so much in my life. So she told me her story about how she was there during the passing of her late grandmother. How they helped their grandmother to sit on the wheelchair when she had request to be put near the window. As she was looking out through the window,she called both Kak Farida and Kak Farida's sister because she saw and heard someone giving the salaam. Kak Farida said she looked through the window and saw no one. She tried to reassure this again with her grandmother whether she really saw someone. Her grandmother told her repeatedly the same thing,"Ada orang bagi salaam". Turned out,it was Malaikat Maut calling (Only Allah knows what is hidden).Right after that her grandmother fell from the wheelchair as she looked up to the sky. I was actually confused as the story went on. Only then Kak Farida told me that "Pintu langit dibuka dan hanya orang yang akan pergi je yang tahu". Quickly after that,their grandmother asked Kak Farida's sister to bath her and so she did. 

Kak Farida's story reminded me that,she had had the opportunity to be there for her grandmother just like how I was there before the passing of my late grandfather (father's side) and how my mother was there for her father who recently just passed away. We give little thanks to the opportunities of knowing such loving people in our lives before they left us. We give little thanks to God for letting us be part of such wonderful people. 

I may have not been there on the day that both my grandfathers passed away but I never regret the times that I have spent with them and I can only thank Him so much for blessing me with two of the most wonderful and joyous people in my life. I pray that He can love both of them as much as they loved us all dearly. 

Not many had had the opportunity that was given to me. I was able to perform Umrah with my late Atok before he left us all. I was there to push his wheelchair so we could both go perform our Umrah. I was there to whisper in his ears all the Surahs in the Holy Qoran and to remind him to say his Du'a. I was there to put his clothes on for him. I was there to get food for both my grandparents while we were in Makkah and Madinah. And I don't regret any time that I had spent with him and I feel blessed that among everyone,I was given such opportunity to be with him at that time. 

My mother told me she didn't feel remorse about my late Tok Ayah because before he left,she was there to take his wudu' for him and had guided him to perform the Salaat Zuhr before he left us all that evening. My mother told me he had whispered in my mother's ears "Hati kena baik,Rose" at the hospital while she was reading the Qoran for him to listen. 

In the end,we will also be joining them. Our parents will be joining them. So we should feel blessed and to always remind ourselves to say "Thank you" more often for the opportunities whatever it may be before we leave for good to meet our Creator. 

Salam Ramadhan Qareem.

Bismillahirahmanirahim

Because no matter how a family breaks apart,it always find its way back to each other. No matter how. I woke up with a shocking news that my grandpa left us all to meet our Creator. I was shocked. I was angry at first but it was no use. He left us all. Left his wife. Left his 6 kids. Left 6-in laws. Left 21 grandkids. Because it was time. I,for one,like to think that he is in a much safer place than where we are. It got me awestruck that He took him away on this Holy Month (Ramadhan) and on a Friday evening. Alhamdulillah. People say the best time to leave life is on a Friday,Subh (break of dawn) or in the evening.In his case,I guess it was extra special because he left us all on the 3rd day of the Holy Month which is on a Friday evening around 5.50pm. 

It got me thinking "What has he done for as long as he lived to be deserving of such benediction?"

And then slowly,it got me thinking. The answer. 

Throughout his whole life,Allahyarham was a kind-hearted man towards other people. When he gives,he gives it sincerely without expecting anything in return. He helped a lot of people,even those who stabbed him many a time. He knew when someone was fishy or wasn't sincere but when that person asked for help,he obliged to help. Like I said,Allahyarham never expect anything in return. 

Being the Chief Minister of Melaka for 3 years,he had a lot of duties to fulfill. For as long as I knew him,he was never a man of bribery. He kept it clean throughout his political years. When people tell me "all" politicians are dirty,I tend to get mad because I know one personal politician who does not play by dirty political rules. He was sincere in his job. Whatever that was left in his hands,he kept it for the benefit of the state and not for himself. 

My grandpa was a stern man who follows the rules and principals he created in his life. He never believed in any other thing except that Allah SWT is his Creator. He only believed in Him. Allahyarham never believed in any other type of things besides Allah SWT. He taught me that whenever I loose my patience,always read "Innamaa sobirin". He taught my mother to put our only faith in Him and everything else will be OK. 

I remember all the small details he has done in my life. The little things he did were once big impact in a 11 year old's life. When I lived with him,he would be there to take me home from school. Waiting in front of the gates of the school for my siblings and I. Just like my parents,he never says NO to anything his grandkids wanted. I remember him taking my cousins and I to the bookstore once. He told us to get anything we wanted. I think at that time the family was just little so we had only 6-8 cousins. We took thick stacks of books and he never complained about wanting to pay. I remember the whole family living in one house when he was Chief Minister. We called it "Rumah Sri Bendahara" and I remember having breakfast with him at the main table before he shoot off to work. I remember the smile he has on his face whenever the family get together for an occasion or a simple family getaway. You could tell that he loves his family dearly and sincerely. 

He taught my mother,that my mother later on passed to me,how to save. 

"Ada RM1.00,belanja 70 sen,simpan 30 sen,senanglah seumur hidup"
"Ada RM1.00,belanja RM1.00,boleh hidup tapi susah"
"Ada RM1.00,belanja lebih dari RM1.00,papa kedana lah hidup"

My mother always followed his advice. I remember how he believed in my father when no one else did. He accepted his in-laws with open arms. Never once,have I heard him complained about any of his in-laws. I don't know about others but he certainly never said anything in front of my family about other in-laws. He opened everyone into his home with welcome arms but he keeps his distance at the same time. He knows when someone is sincere or not. Somehow he knows and I think that speciality was given to my mother. She knows when someone is fishy. Just like my Tok Ayah.

What saddens me the most is,I couldn't be there to see his face for the last time. To tell him that if it weren't for him,my mother wouldn't have had the strength she had today to keep going in life. To tell him that he was a Godsent to our family. To tell him that we'll miss him once he's gone. To tell him that he has been everything that we needed him to be. To tell him how much we love him.

My Tok Ayah has always been my mother's pillar of strength just like how my parents' are my pillar of strength. It saddens me that she has lost one part of her strength and one part of her happiness. 

Where you are now,we hope you're in a much calmer and safer place. I will always keep you in my prayers. You have been and will always be a vital figure in our lives and I only hope that God gives blessing upon you and loves you as much as you loved us all. 

Dearly missed,my Tok Ayah.

"Setiap yang bernyawa pasti akan kembali ke Rahmatullah"

Al-Fatihah

12.7.2013